Memorial Website, Online Memorials, Virtual Memorials by RiverofMemories.com: How Children Experience Bereavement

How Children Experience Bereavement
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C.R. Donovan on 05 January, 2009 03:11:00
 
A very young child, from 3 to 6 years old, cannot understand the finality of
death. Though they may seem upset, it is because they are responding to the
strong emotions of others. They are confused and frightened by seeing adults who
are distraught, and this causes them to feel extremely insecure. Simple comfort
and reassurance will calm them down in the short term. Long term, simple and
direct explanations will suffice. A caring adult will need to think carefully
about an age-appropriate explanation, taking into consideration family customs
and beliefs. The young child may then try to make sense of things by
play-acting. You may see a child of this age reenacting the death with toys.
This is a good coping process and should be encouraged.
A slightly older child, of about 7 through age 12, can understand the reality of
death and will be shocked by it. Often children of this age have had no prior
experience in dealing with loss and look to trusted adults for behavioral cues.
Though they may feel the same sorrow that adults do, they will have no idea how
to express it. They may withdraw, or behave very badly, or lash out in anger,
refusing to accept that a loved one is gone. A child may respond with a storm of
tears, but may also behave as if nothing has happened, calmly watching TV or
playing. Children of this age still have a magical thinking; that is, they
believe that if they wish hard enough, they can change reality. A child may
believe that if he pushes a painful truth from his mind, somehow it will not be
real.
It can be upsetting to a grieving adult to see a child calmly playing as if
nothing has happened. You must understand that this child is processing
bereavement the only way that he can. It is helpful for a trusted adult to speak
about their own feelings in a calm and reassuring way, modeling feelings of
sadness and acceptance, and perhaps speaking of religious beliefs.
Children’s’ books that deal with death and dying can be very helpful as
well, as discussions can be held that are slightly removed from the child’s
own painful loss.