The Second Rung: Understanding the Stages of Grieving

The Second Rung: Understanding the Stages of Grieving

In the late 1960’s, death and bereavement expert Elisabeth Kubler-Ross brought to light what she described as the five stages of grieving. These stages are: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

These stages have no order of occurrence, nor will any two people experience these stages in the same way.

Anger may be felt toward yourself or the deceased, toward God, or towards doctors and relatives. Any anger you feel will most likely change and evolve over time. Acknowledge any anger you feel and work with it in positive ways to reach a place of forgiveness and compassion with yourself and others. There are many ways to work positively with anger. Physical exercise helps to release the energy of anger. Journaling about the anger you feel can help you to become clear about its roots. Explaining your feelings to those with whom you are angry, in calm and rational ways, can be an excellent way to move through anger.

Denial is not being able to accept the realities of your loved ones death. It is common to feel that they will be calling or coming home at any time. The world may feel surreal without them in it. It may be very difficult to imagine the future without them. Denial will lessen over time. Focusing on getting through one day at a time can be very helpful in the days just following a loved ones death.

Bargaining can be done with a higher power and with ourselves. Bargaining is trying to take back the death. We may ask God how this death could be possible when our loved one was such a good person. We may rehash all of the things that we or others could have done differently to make this person be alive today. We may promise many things to God, attempting to bring our loved one back to us. Working through bargaining is also an act of forgiveness and acceptance. Finding understanding with a Higher Power is part of the process, as is understanding and accepting the choices we have made in our lives.

Depression is probably the most recognizable stage in the grieving process. There is no doubt that the sadness we experience after the death of a loved one can be extreme. A person who is depressed may experience deep sadness, low energy, a decreased interest in daily activities, change in appetite, and change in habits.

Coming out of depression can be difficult because the very things that help us to do so, such as engaging in exercise and stimulating activity, are sometimes the hardest things for a depressed person to do. Many small steps taken over time can have a big influence on recovering from depression. The kind of depression experienced with grieving is different from clinical depression, which often requires taking medication. We will look more closely at clinical depression later in this article.

Acceptance is the experience of knowing that it is alright that the person you love has died. This is not to say that you are happy about your loss or that is does not matter. Acceptance is coming to a place where you can find peace with the reality of your loss.

Feeling acceptance does not necessarily mean that your grieving process is complete. In the beginning acceptance will often be felt in passing moments. With time a more lasting state of acceptance and understanding will be reached.