How Children Experience Bereavement

Children, like adults, have very individual ways of dealing with grief. How children experience bereavement is greatly dependant on their age.

A very young child, from 3 to 6 years old, cannot understand the finality of death. Though they may seem upset, it is because they are responding to the strong emotions of others. They are confused and frightened by seeing adults who are distraught, and this causes them to feel extremely insecure. Simple comfort and reassurance will calm them down in the short term. Long term, simple and direct explanations will suffice. A caring adult will need to think carefully about an age-appropriate explanation, taking into consideration family customs and beliefs. The young child may then try to make sense of things by play-acting. You may see a child of this age reenacting the death with toys. This is a good coping process and should be encouraged.

A slightly older child, of about 7 through age 12, can understand the reality of death and will be shocked by it. Often children of this age have had no prior experience in dealing with loss and look to trusted adults for behavioral cues. Though they may feel the same sorrow that adults do, they will have no idea how to express it. They may withdraw, or behave very badly, or lash out in anger, refusing to accept that a loved one is gone. A child may respond with a storm of tears, but may also behave as if nothing has happened, calmly watching TV or playing. Children of this age still have a magical thinking; that is, they believe that if they wish hard enough, they can change reality. A child may believe that if he pushes a painful truth from his mind, somehow it will not be real.

It can be upsetting to a grieving adult to see a child calmly playing as if nothing has happened. You must understand that this child is processing bereavement the only way that he can. It is helpful for a trusted adult to speak about their own feelings in a calm and reassuring way, modeling feelings of sadness and acceptance, and perhaps speaking of religious beliefs. Children’s’ books that deal with death and dying can be very helpful as well, as discussions can be held that are slightly removed from the child’s own painful loss.